Friday, 29 November 2013

"After you Sir"

Happy Friday Everyone

So, It has been a WHOLE month of moustache wearing antics and I can quite happily state (as I have before) I do not like facial hair. Moustaches are certainly not mean for women. Particularly fake ones. I actually think it would have been nicer if i could have grown my own one! Fake moustaches are VERY high maintenance. 

Here is my Moustache For Women 101:

  1. If you are planning to wear a fake moustache for a prolonged amount of time make sure you purchase plenty of eyelash glue (boots own brand are recommended)
  2. When choosing your moustache, do your market research. Many on amazon are wiry and not designed to fit well around the mouth / chin area to allow for continual wear. I suggest something soft and fluffy. Not only are they more comfortable and appealing to look at, EVERYONE wants to touch them. Great conversation starter ;)
  3. Once you have chosen your moustache prepare your meals accordingly. You will no longer be able to open your mouth wide enough for a spoon, or eat anything overly chewy or with a high topping or salads. I advise sandwiches (with minimal filling) and chocolate. I would suggest buying some stretchy pants and getting a gym membership for when you end your moustache wearing challenge.
  4. This also applies to drink. Straws are a no-no as pursing of the lips causes the moustache to wrinkle and fall off. Frozen daiquiris and most other cocktails served in wide rim glasses are also troublesome. I would suggest beer or wine in a small glass. Teas and coffees are other available drinks to moustache wearers.
  5. Beware of extreme temperatures! -  This is especially a problem for London Commuters. Eyelash glue is surprisingly affected by extreme cold termperatues and warming skin. This may cause moustaches to fall off unexpectedly (in waitrose, while asleep on trains, at christmas markets among others).
  6. ALWAYS have a back-up moustache (for above situations - suggested is the "Emergency Moustaches" sold in Cards Galore). You never know when a moustache will let you down, fall off or fall apart to embarrass you beyond belief*.
  7. Ladies, be prepared for increased male attention. Apparently fake facial hair IS a turn on for men (even if they won't admit it). From personal experience I have had all good reactions from the male sex and quote "it turns out it makes you hotter?!". Ladies don't take offence if you are told facial hair suits you. It's a compliment. Always a compliment.
  8. Do not surround yourself with humorous people. Fake moustaches reduce the ability to move your top lip. This impairs smiling, laughing and looking anything other than a little bit creepy. 
  9. BEWARE - Moustaches are a choking hazard. Referring to point 1 that a fluffy moustache is better. Fluff from said moustache MAY fly off and get lodged in your throat causing you to choke for a good 20 minutes. This can happen at any time, most likely to be while on the phone to the insurance company.

So, Ladies. I hope this has helped you for future fake moustache wearing. As much as it has had it's ups and downs it has been interesting. Also, more importantly it has got people talking. Most people realise it is for Movember but others have asked me what on EARTH I am doing. This has given me a chance to explain what I am doing this year and what shocked me the most is the amount of men that actually have never heard of movember or "can't be bothered" to take part. This only concretes any statement ever made that men are useless. You are. I am sorry but you are. You are all lovely but useless :) But I am happy to say I have helped you males a little bit this year by raising a grand total of £300. Half of this will go to Autism Trust and half to Movember.

Now, for a few anecdotes form my month of moustache wearing…

  • Now, previously I have mentioned the difference in peoples' reactions. I have had stares, nods and outright "MOUSTACHE!!!" (one of the more obvious ones!). I wasn't expecting being flashed at. Ok, that sounds a little more crude than it actually is….. I was sitting on a very crowded train (in the middle of those 6 seaters) with a very pleasant looking lady opposite me. She smiled at me, I smiled (kind of - as much as the moustache would let me) back. 5 minutes later *FLASH*. The poor woman had tried to sneak a photo of me without realising she had the flash on. Bless her, she was soooo embarrassed which is ironic seeing as she wasn't sitting there with a moustache on. She then finally got over her embarrassment and asked if she could take a better one to tweet. I obviously said yes and gave her my card. So, train lady, if you are reading… WHY DIDN"T YOU DONATE??!?!?!?! HUH!?!?!?
  • I was in covent garden with some friends. One of the barmaids suddenly rushed up to me and then said "oh thank god it's fake". She genuinely thought i had a terrible problem with facial hair.  Then she seemed so relieved that it was fake I felt I should be a little bit offended. What if it was real?? man she would have been screwed!
  • My favourite "shout out" was in Farringdon. Walking along with a colleague when from within a small sandwich shop came "OI OI OI!!!!!" I turned back just to see a young guy pointing at his lip and shouting "MOUSTACHE!". He seemed so pleased with himself for spotting it.
  • As I have mentioned with the male attention, one morning I got off the train, minding my own business, when I get a tap on the shoulder from a gentleman. He puts a piece of paper in my hand, says "great job. Read that when you get a moment". I open the note and it reads "Monring Pretty Woman. Would you like lunch sometime? Robert" with his number. Now this has never happened to me before. BUt slap on a moustache and BAM I am irresistible! I have had more men come up to me and talk to me / smile at me in one month with facial hair than I have at any other time of the year!
Now, I will tell you a story. I don't get embarrassed very easily (hence I am willing to wear a moustache for a month and I am doing all this silly things) BUT my moustache has let me down. So I won't tell the entire story but I will cut it down for you….
Scene setting….. Me and two friends at dinner in covent garden…. hot waiter…. I am wearing a moustache. Cutting to near the end of the story, I am chatting / flirting (ish) with said waiter and he asks for my number. He walks away and I of course write it down for him. On his return he requests that he gets to see what I look like without the facial hair. So, I grab the edge of my moustache, and peel it off, presenting my face in the big reveal…. when my friend sitting opposite me bursts out laughing and the guy gives me a funny look. I look down at the piece of fluff in my hand and it is missing the sticky tape that kept it on my face. The sticky tape had remained attached to my top lip. I panic and try desperately to get it off and fail miserably. it literally WOULD NOT BUDGE! it was stuck fast! the guy looked embarrassed for me and said "it's ok, I will come back later". My friends are in fits at my situation and I laugh because otherwise I would have cried. I finally get the tape off of my face. And once I had pulled myself together and my cheeks had lost the purple colouring he returned and still took my number. I mean, he is pretty brave to have taken my number still after not only see me with a moustache, then fail to remove it and then fall apart into a cackling mess! brave… or stupid. 

So that is my month of moustache in a very looooong summary :)

Next month it is a little more low key. I am recruiting my friends to help me do bag packing in Marks and Spencers in Bromley on 7th December. We will of course be wearing ridiculous wigs so if you are in the area we won't be hard to spot!

I will keep you updated with plans for the new year. 
If I don't get to ramble at you all before the big day, I wish you all a VERY Merry Christmas and the best New Year you could hope for. 2014. It's going to be interesting :)

Hope….. Out


Thursday, 14 November 2013

It IS a man's world!

Now, I have never wanted to be anything other than a woman. We get a wider choice of clothes, get to have long hair without being judged, when we dress up we REALLY dress up rather than just put on a shirt, we get to drink fruity cocktails again without being judged, we can have multiple orgasms, we get to fancy hotties like Ryan Gosling and Liam Hemsworth… the list could go on FOREVER!

The only thing I have ever been jealous of men for, well two things, are the fact that they usually have pretty good upper body strength and more importantly they usually (not including the bum fluffers) can grow facial hair in styles however they like! I mean, most guys could probably have a newly designed facial accessory every few weeks or so, or a month minimum! This seems a wasted opportunity to me for all those men who aren't doing Movember! What's more is that I am SHOCKED at how many men have never even HEARD of Movember! It's FOR MEN! I love men and I wouldn't have a world without them but my oh my are they useless!

I am thoroughly enjoying MY moustache. I have "upped my tash" recently and I am enjoying it more than the last. It is a little longer and therefore perfect for stroking. However, it is a little darker and therefore DEFINITELY more noticeable!

I think it is VERY 70s Porn Star, and I have found one for you to compare. His name… Dick Fisk. I am a big fan. Ok, he was in Gay porn and it was the 70s so I doubt many of you have heard of him (although perhaps some of you have so I won't rule that out!).
Here he is in his full glory…

Dick Fisk…. You can see the similarities right…!
Anyway, moving swiftly away from porn (I don't want to be picked up by the police!), I have had some interesting looks and plenty of "the nod". The very nice man (Dan) at Movember sent me this…

I enjoyed it greatly. I did manage to catch someone out the other day… I was minding my own business on a very packed train from Victoria the other night… When *FLASH*! the lady across from me had tried very sneakily to get a picture of me. Little did she know (I assume she wasn't a big iPhone buff) that her flash was still on. Caught in the act. She was soooo embarrassed which is ironic seeing as I was the one wearing a moustache in public! She was very apologetic and then asked if she could take a better one :) I of course obliged as she wanted to tweet it!

I should probably be tweeting too. I still don't quite get twitter. What do people tweet about? (or as my Swiss colleague called it twit - bless him!). I figured it is a less exciting Facebook? telling people what you are doing but rather than just bugging your friends you can bug thousands more people (assuming you have that many followers!). Well, I think I might give it a go. It seems people are using it for a reason. Maybe I will ask some of the teenage girls that get on my train to assist? Although I will also be wary, anyone looking like a 70s porn star approaching young girls is suspicious!?

So an update on the fundraising… I have raised about £120 so far but this is not enough! It is NEVER enough!
So here is my plea in the form of a limerick:

There once was a girl called Hope
She didn't mind looking a dope
So she donned a moustache
With porn star panache
But needs more donations to cope

Ok, so it needs some work but you get the idea!

Hope….. Out

Thursday, 7 November 2013

A wee bit tickly

Well, I am back!

If you didn't know I have been away, enjoying paradise in Bali. Now, if you haven't been or haven't even considered going you BLOODY SHOULD! It is THE most amazing place and you are all lucky I even came back!

So, on my return I have thrown myself into my next challenge. I am 7 days in and I have come to 2 conclusions….

1) London commuters are the LEAST aware people I have ever encountered. Honestly I think I could walk around with nipple holes cut into my top (and lets face it when it is THIS cold they would be quite obvious!) and I honestly don't think anyone would notice!

2) Fake eyelash glue is not particularly adhesive and I would suggest never to use it for glueing anything of importance like a bookshelf

So, I have been wearing my tash for 6 days and I am now getting used to it. Well, as used to having a moustache as I am going to get. I have found that I am restricted on smiling, talking and eating while wearing it, although this is mostly due to the glue… I haven't quite found the best ratio of glue to stash yet. Too little and it quite quickly peels off which just looks plain stupid! :P too much and the bottom half of my face is frozen. I reckon i will have it worked out just before I have to then change my moustache and the stash:glue ratio is then a problem aaaaaaaall over again!

So, really, other than wearing my moustache and smiling a little awkwardly there isn't MUCH more I can do to get people to donate. It turns out people don't aren't very chatty on the commute and often choose to ignore the fact that I am a female with a moustache?! so, I think I am going to have to bake some more cookies… As you know I am now queen of mass production of cookies and seeing as when I got back from holiday and opened the fridge only to find that i still have 8 blocks of butter I might as well get baking! :) Especially as the wonderful guys at Movember have provided me with some new cookie cutters! :D

So the first day I got back from holiday I donned my stash that morning and headed to the gym...

Getting better at selfies. It's the power of the stash!

So, off I trotted, thinking perhaps my new more masculine facial accessory might get me pumped, give me that little bit of OOMPH! I was wrong. Apparently eyelash glue is NOT sweat resistant and I was about half a set into my kettle bell swings and slowly but surely the right hand side of my cookie duster (by the way my new challenge is also to find as many new words for moustache as possible!) slid quite elegantly down onto my lip. The left hand side was soon to follow. SO unless I resort to superglue, which I am not so keen on, I think that the gym may have to be a moustache no go for the moment. I almost lost it on the victoria line yesterday! I don't think i let the glue dry for long enough!

However, I have my mo-bro Dale to pick up the slack in the gym. He has manned up (well he did after he stopped complaining about the itching!) and is joining me. So between the two of us we are now kind of in competition. Obviously I can't grow mine naturally (THANK GOD!) and am relying on the generosity of the wonderful public to grow mine!

What I would really love is for people to start looking out for me. If you have read my blog and get the same train as me or are passing me in the street then please stop me, take a picture, instagram, Facebook and all other possible social network postings!

If anyone wants to see me in particular (even if you are just checking that I am in fact wearing my stash) I am out at Club49 in Soho on Friday night. I will be donning my PARTY STASH! oh yeeeeeaaaaah! Assuming I can keep it on my face that is and it doesn't sweat off! or worse fall off into my cocktail! 

Now, I am not convinced but my mum thinks that this wearing a moustache is a great way to meet men. I am sceptical. I don't profess to be a know-it-all on what men like and don't like but I am pretty sure facial hair usually isn't on the top of their list of "what men look for in a woman"… well not according to Cosmo! I suppose it is a good talking point but as someone else mentioned… "has anyone been BRAVE enough to chat you up?". yes. brave! I did then mention to him that I rarely get chatted up without facial hair, I think if I was trying to improve my chances I would try chicken fillets and a nice dress BEFORE I try facial hair…

Also, I am not sure how I would fancy trying to kiss anyone with a tash. I KNOW it would give me the giggles like nobody's business! But still, as much as I don't think a moustache will improve my chances I am ALWAYS happy to be proven wrong. I will keep you updated ;)

Ola. My name, you ask?…… I am Hulio. 

Anyway, back to more exciting news……!

I was in a Cards Galore on Baker Street (bit of free advertising here for them!) and to my sheer delight! I came across this: 

That's right… EMERGENCY MOUSTACHES! amazing no!? and they are way better than my original Zorro stash. Plus the one I have chosen pretty much matches my hair colour so it looks soooooo natural! AND because it stays on so well I can leave it on ALL day and evening! no having to have breaks to let my lip cool down. I am growing VERY attached to it. I am concerned I won't want to take it off at the end of November! Perhaps I can have a Christmas Stash OR even go for beardecember? can we make that a thing?! I think it might catch on…..

So fuzzy! Now I know why men want a stash to stroke to think!
So here is where I remind you all why I am doing this challenge.. This month it is not only for The Autism Trust but also for Movember charity, who raise vital funds and awareness for prostate and testicular cancer as well as mental health. I love our men. The world wouldn't be the same without them so I am just as passionate about raising money for them as I am for the Autism Trust.

In case anyone is wondering how it will work, the donations I get through my just giving page will be split between the two charities for this month. So please get sharing and get as many people you can to read about what I am doing and to donate if they can! I understand that it is getting closer and closer to christmas and people are busy going out and buying presents but even £5, £2 anything! will be GREATLY appreciated! 

The money I have raised so far is already being well spent and I hope this is just the beginning! :)

Hope (and tash)…… Out