Friday, 29 November 2013

"After you Sir"

Happy Friday Everyone

So, It has been a WHOLE month of moustache wearing antics and I can quite happily state (as I have before) I do not like facial hair. Moustaches are certainly not mean for women. Particularly fake ones. I actually think it would have been nicer if i could have grown my own one! Fake moustaches are VERY high maintenance. 

Here is my Moustache For Women 101:

  1. If you are planning to wear a fake moustache for a prolonged amount of time make sure you purchase plenty of eyelash glue (boots own brand are recommended)
  2. When choosing your moustache, do your market research. Many on amazon are wiry and not designed to fit well around the mouth / chin area to allow for continual wear. I suggest something soft and fluffy. Not only are they more comfortable and appealing to look at, EVERYONE wants to touch them. Great conversation starter ;)
  3. Once you have chosen your moustache prepare your meals accordingly. You will no longer be able to open your mouth wide enough for a spoon, or eat anything overly chewy or with a high topping or salads. I advise sandwiches (with minimal filling) and chocolate. I would suggest buying some stretchy pants and getting a gym membership for when you end your moustache wearing challenge.
  4. This also applies to drink. Straws are a no-no as pursing of the lips causes the moustache to wrinkle and fall off. Frozen daiquiris and most other cocktails served in wide rim glasses are also troublesome. I would suggest beer or wine in a small glass. Teas and coffees are other available drinks to moustache wearers.
  5. Beware of extreme temperatures! -  This is especially a problem for London Commuters. Eyelash glue is surprisingly affected by extreme cold termperatues and warming skin. This may cause moustaches to fall off unexpectedly (in waitrose, while asleep on trains, at christmas markets among others).
  6. ALWAYS have a back-up moustache (for above situations - suggested is the "Emergency Moustaches" sold in Cards Galore). You never know when a moustache will let you down, fall off or fall apart to embarrass you beyond belief*.
  7. Ladies, be prepared for increased male attention. Apparently fake facial hair IS a turn on for men (even if they won't admit it). From personal experience I have had all good reactions from the male sex and quote "it turns out it makes you hotter?!". Ladies don't take offence if you are told facial hair suits you. It's a compliment. Always a compliment.
  8. Do not surround yourself with humorous people. Fake moustaches reduce the ability to move your top lip. This impairs smiling, laughing and looking anything other than a little bit creepy. 
  9. BEWARE - Moustaches are a choking hazard. Referring to point 1 that a fluffy moustache is better. Fluff from said moustache MAY fly off and get lodged in your throat causing you to choke for a good 20 minutes. This can happen at any time, most likely to be while on the phone to the insurance company.

So, Ladies. I hope this has helped you for future fake moustache wearing. As much as it has had it's ups and downs it has been interesting. Also, more importantly it has got people talking. Most people realise it is for Movember but others have asked me what on EARTH I am doing. This has given me a chance to explain what I am doing this year and what shocked me the most is the amount of men that actually have never heard of movember or "can't be bothered" to take part. This only concretes any statement ever made that men are useless. You are. I am sorry but you are. You are all lovely but useless :) But I am happy to say I have helped you males a little bit this year by raising a grand total of £300. Half of this will go to Autism Trust and half to Movember.

Now, for a few anecdotes form my month of moustache wearing…

  • Now, previously I have mentioned the difference in peoples' reactions. I have had stares, nods and outright "MOUSTACHE!!!" (one of the more obvious ones!). I wasn't expecting being flashed at. Ok, that sounds a little more crude than it actually is….. I was sitting on a very crowded train (in the middle of those 6 seaters) with a very pleasant looking lady opposite me. She smiled at me, I smiled (kind of - as much as the moustache would let me) back. 5 minutes later *FLASH*. The poor woman had tried to sneak a photo of me without realising she had the flash on. Bless her, she was soooo embarrassed which is ironic seeing as she wasn't sitting there with a moustache on. She then finally got over her embarrassment and asked if she could take a better one to tweet. I obviously said yes and gave her my card. So, train lady, if you are reading… WHY DIDN"T YOU DONATE??!?!?!?! HUH!?!?!?
  • I was in covent garden with some friends. One of the barmaids suddenly rushed up to me and then said "oh thank god it's fake". She genuinely thought i had a terrible problem with facial hair.  Then she seemed so relieved that it was fake I felt I should be a little bit offended. What if it was real?? man she would have been screwed!
  • My favourite "shout out" was in Farringdon. Walking along with a colleague when from within a small sandwich shop came "OI OI OI!!!!!" I turned back just to see a young guy pointing at his lip and shouting "MOUSTACHE!". He seemed so pleased with himself for spotting it.
  • As I have mentioned with the male attention, one morning I got off the train, minding my own business, when I get a tap on the shoulder from a gentleman. He puts a piece of paper in my hand, says "great job. Read that when you get a moment". I open the note and it reads "Monring Pretty Woman. Would you like lunch sometime? Robert" with his number. Now this has never happened to me before. BUt slap on a moustache and BAM I am irresistible! I have had more men come up to me and talk to me / smile at me in one month with facial hair than I have at any other time of the year!
Now, I will tell you a story. I don't get embarrassed very easily (hence I am willing to wear a moustache for a month and I am doing all this silly things) BUT my moustache has let me down. So I won't tell the entire story but I will cut it down for you….
Scene setting….. Me and two friends at dinner in covent garden…. hot waiter…. I am wearing a moustache. Cutting to near the end of the story, I am chatting / flirting (ish) with said waiter and he asks for my number. He walks away and I of course write it down for him. On his return he requests that he gets to see what I look like without the facial hair. So, I grab the edge of my moustache, and peel it off, presenting my face in the big reveal…. when my friend sitting opposite me bursts out laughing and the guy gives me a funny look. I look down at the piece of fluff in my hand and it is missing the sticky tape that kept it on my face. The sticky tape had remained attached to my top lip. I panic and try desperately to get it off and fail miserably. it literally WOULD NOT BUDGE! it was stuck fast! the guy looked embarrassed for me and said "it's ok, I will come back later". My friends are in fits at my situation and I laugh because otherwise I would have cried. I finally get the tape off of my face. And once I had pulled myself together and my cheeks had lost the purple colouring he returned and still took my number. I mean, he is pretty brave to have taken my number still after not only see me with a moustache, then fail to remove it and then fall apart into a cackling mess! brave… or stupid. 

So that is my month of moustache in a very looooong summary :)

Next month it is a little more low key. I am recruiting my friends to help me do bag packing in Marks and Spencers in Bromley on 7th December. We will of course be wearing ridiculous wigs so if you are in the area we won't be hard to spot!

I will keep you updated with plans for the new year. 
If I don't get to ramble at you all before the big day, I wish you all a VERY Merry Christmas and the best New Year you could hope for. 2014. It's going to be interesting :)

Hope….. Out


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